The truth is, it ain’t all roses.. Oh but, if it could be…

    In the family that adopted me, I was blessed with a gram maw who enjoyed ill health.  I loved her dearly, but, it wasn’t a safe or short subject should you innocently inquire “how are you”  It made me decide early on that my outlook would be sunny, and missing medical details.  I was certainly not inclined to go into the medical field   (bless those of you who are)  My early knowledge of what medical tests were for, was because of my gram maws detailed and grisly descriptions of medical procedures.  It is a subject to this day that I can converse reasonably  and with  appropriate responses meanwhile shuddering within. 

      It is because of this that each day before me frightens me now, it was like a door shutting the future finite when they told me about my lungs.  I have seen what the end result of my disease looks like, haven’t experienced it, there probably isn’t much escaping it.  But, today I’m fine as fine as I am today.  I still don’t want to admit to not being 100%  …       I knew in my heart before they told me,  but, if I admit it than its time to deal with it and that would mean changing habits and going to doctors and doing what was better for myself than doing what I want.  I put the worst of it down two years ago when cigarettes went by the wayside, but, of course I’m a hard headed soul and other habits must be tempered or eliminated as well.  I can’t even begin to apologize to my family and friends for causing this and stealing the time that we could have had together in the future and the future generations that  I will not get the reward of knowing.  It probably has more to do with me being impossible to be around lately than anything else.  It is all creeping up on me, and like a deer caught in headlights I have no idea where to run.  I hate that I am not strong anymore, and that I just can’t do everything, and sometimes I can’t even manage anything and I am truly petrified about what will happen to my family, if I can’t get up and do what I have to do,   And maybe, I just need to get to the point that I start doing my best to enjoy the time I have left that I can get around.  No one is promised a tomorrow but, when you are facing a finite future, it really throws you.


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